If, like me, you’re a subscriber to Darwin, Dawkins et al, then you probably assume that there’s only one purpose for your existence: to reproduce.

With that in mind, when you choose a programming language for a task, you shouldn’t be concerned about performance, security, efficiency, documentation or technical support, but rather the ultimate question of; “which language will give me the best chance of procreating?”

There have been a lot of whispers behind the scenes at Microsoft and Sun about this issue, but they’ve yet to make any statistics public. In the absence of official figures, I’ve attempted to deduce the answer.

Going on the assumption that most programmers are heterosexual males, and work in an environment that is predominantly male, then your best bet for getting some of the good stuff is something like Ruby on Rails. Forget about the possible performance and documentation woes, and just get your projects built as quickly as possible. That way, you can get out of work quickly, and straight into the bars, where the ratio of sexes is far more advantageous to your genes.

Ruby on Rails also has the added benefit that it’s “hot” right now, with new conferences and travel opportunities cropping up every week. The conferences themselves won’t help much, but on the way there you’ll be stuck in a tiny seat on a flight, crushed up to the lady next to you. It’s not the most romantic setting, but it’s still better odds than sitting in your cubicle.

Of course, if you’re lucky enough to work in an environment where there are potential child-bearers, then maybe you actually want to spend more time there. In which case, you might want to forgo Ruby on Rails, and opt for something a bit more long-winded, like C. As you’re working away the evenings, you may find time to start up conversations with colleagues, and see what you have in common.

If you’re still in college, perhaps, and are wondering what next-generation language to adopt, you can’t really go wrong with Visual Basic. It’ll get you straight to the heart of mixed-sex workplaces (like call-centres and admin offices), and you’ll have the added advantage of not being seen as ‘geeky’ (you’ll be working on spreadsheets and Word documents, like everyone else). Sure, you may not be creating the next Google, but who’ll have the last laugh?