36 RULES FOR BANDS
(source unknown)
….this isn’t ‘digital’ per se, but it was forwarded to me & I got a kick out of it; hoped you might too. Spinal Tap anyone?
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
(KR - not always true; but there are war stories)
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word
“recoupable” in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any
more “important”.
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass
players, it’s time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar
with their music (”Oh, does Rage against the Machine also do rap-rock
with political lyrics?”)
9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified
small talk. Don’t do it.
10. Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only
on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have
inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic
freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst
contract ever and that you asked to be released.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to
perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer
IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If
you do you’re already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock
opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”,
“open mike”, etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can
wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we
will: its rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve
gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t
pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to
your feet.
23. Don’t hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn’t mean
you’re on tour.
25. Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In
fact, don’t join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and
colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do
you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought
up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a
professionally produced album cover and one you
made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can
so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it.
You may never know where or w hen it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: “major label interest”, “demo
deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, “artist development”
and “Fastball’s second hit”.
36. Three things that are never coming back:
a) gongs, b)headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with
a beer bottle.